Closets and Corners

I’ve always been different.  Most of it stems from being a geek.  In grade school, I was picked on a lot by other kids for liking Star Wars, Star Trek, and Spider-man.  As I got older I was still bullied for being a geek, but then I ofter heard slurs like “dyke” or “fag” in the high school halls.  I wasn’t out, and I was struggling.  I knew my parents wouldn’t understand, but I doubted in the long run that they’d judge me too harshly.  High school on the other hand...  I attended a public school in rural Appalachia.  My “kin” were from a different part of The South, and my parents had master’s degrees.  There was a target on my back from the minute I stepped on the school yard just for being not “from ‘round here” and coming from an educated background.  So to add being an out lesbian into that mix meant I’d get bullied even more by those backwater Southern Baptists.  I still got bullied for being an assumed gay, but I figured it’d be worse if I were an out gay.  This was all happening in the early 90's before Ellen DeGeneres came out of the closet.  Pre-Ellen's outing, you kept your mouth shut until you got to college in a more liberal area.  Also, I wasn’t even sure IF I was gay.  High school is a weird time, full of change and angst galore so I had enough to deal with.

Flash forward a few years.  I’m in college, I come out, no one has a problem with it because I have surrounded myself with awesome friends and family.  My mother is supportive in her own quiet way.  My brother and his family would lead the PFLAG parade.  (Robby,my brother, and Jude, my nephew, really do love a parade.)  I become comfortable with who I am. Then I meet my future fiance on the 7th floor of my college library in the art section. We talk about amazing music, and I develop a serious crush. It takes awhile, but eventually we start dating, we move in together, and one day this lovely girl asks me to marry her. I say yes. We live in a state where we can legally marry each other. We tell our friends and family, and everyone close to us is ecstatic for us. To quote Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys, "she's the cheese and I'm the macaroni."

Everyone is happy for us except TheGirl's older sister and brother. The latter isn't much a problem because we don't live close. The former presents a problem as she lives in the next zip code. Recently, the sister asked TheGirl not to show any type of affection toward me when we are in public with them for fear that her kids would get bullied because of our gayness. TheGirl stood her ground, and said no. She patiently explained that would mean putting us in the closet. We've both been out for quite some time, and there's no way we're going back in.

Overall, this didn't bother TheGirl too much as this is what she's come to expect from her older sibling. I, on the other hand, was very upset by this. It triggered something deep down inside of me. I've never understood why the sister has such an ax to grind with our being gay. Anytime we hold hands the sister has a look like she's eating lemons. I find this whole situation ridiculous. I love TheGirl, and TheGirl loves me. What's the harm? How are we threatening marriage and society? We give to charity, and are just generally good people. We both embrace the Ghandi quote, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

After much consternation, I figured it out. I was upset for two reasons. 1)Using "the children" as an excuse for homophobia is just wrong. If anything we should be teaching the kids that everyone is different, and it's okay to be different. It's okay for boys to like girls or boys or both, and vice versa. It's okay be exactly who you, and for me to be who I am. For someone to use their children to express hate is cowardly. I have more respect for someone who tell me to my face how they feel as opposed to worming around the issue.  

2) I come from a family that loves me for exactly who I am. Love is not about putting limits and conditions upon your family and friends. Love is total acceptance of that person. So I'm confused as to why the sister enforces a relationship with TheGirl that would mean only accepting a less than version of her little sister. You can't cut the gay out of someone. It just doesn't work. You can't pray the gay away either. And you can't put the gay in a corner, and expect them to happily truck along with your version of normal. We all deserve the ending to Dirty Dancing.